EDINA
Every Day I Need Attention
The original. The one that started it all. Probably coined at a Southdale food court.
ANOKA
All Neighbors Obsess (over) Keeping Appearances
Halloween Capital of the World, allegedly. The rest of the year is TBD.
BEMIDJI
Bears Everywhere, Mosquitoes Increasingly Dangerous, Just Incredible
Paul Bunyan stands guard. The mosquitoes don't care.
BLOOMINGTON
Basically Lives Off One Mall, Insurance, Negative Growth, Tons Of Nothing
The 'Insurance' is doing quiet work. A whole industry tucked into an acronym like it's tucked into an office park off 494.
BRAINERD
Barely Resembles Anything In (the Movie) - Nobody Ever Really Died (there)
The Coens did what the Coens did. Brainerd is still processing it.
BURNSVILLE
Basically Urban, Really Nothing Special, Very Indistinguishable, Lots of Lanes, Exits
You're on 35W and you miss the sign and you don't even know you left Burnsville. Or entered it.
CHASKA
Conveniently Has A Sugar (beet plant), Kinda Aromatic
You smell it before you see the sign.
COON RAPIDS
Commuters Only, Obviously. Nobody Remains After Paraprofessional (jobs end), Drives South
The 10 corridor at 5:15 PM tells the whole story.
COTTAGE GROVE
Can't Offer Truly Thrilling Attractions, Got Exit (ramps though)
Convenient to things that are not Cottage Grove.
DULUTH
Don't Underestimate Layering Up, Trust Hypothermia
In June you bring a jacket. In January you bring three jackets and a will.
EAGAN
Every Available Green Acre? Nope.
There was probably a nice field here once.
EDEN PRAIRIE
Every Development Essentially New, Planned, Reasonable, Aggressively Inoffensive, Redundant, Identical, Everywhere
The city that focus-grouped itself into existence.
EXCELSIOR
Expensive Crosswalks, Charming Enough, Lake's Selling It, Obviously Rich
The kind of town where the ice cream costs eight dollars and you pay it.
FRIDLEY
Forgot Right? It's Directly Left (of) Everything, Yeah
Fridley is there. It has always been there. You just forget.
HASTINGS
Has A Spiral (bridge), That's Interesting, Nothing Going (on) South (of it)
The spiral bridge isn't even there anymore but it's still the most notable thing.
MANKATO
Most Assume Nothing Keeps Anyone There, Obviously
Mankato is fine. People from Mankato would like you to know that Mankato is fine.
MAPLE GROVE
Mostly A Parking Lot Experience, Giant Retail, Outlet Variations Everywhere
You could blindfold someone and drop them in the Arbor Lakes area and they'd think they were in any suburb in America except it's colder.
MINNETONKA
My Income Necessitates Newer Everything, The Old Neighborhood Keeps Appreciating
This is just a conversation you overhear at a dock party.
MOORHEAD
Minnesota's Only Outpost Really Hoping Everyone Acknowledges (It's Not) Fargo
It's not Fargo. They would like you to know it's not Fargo.
NEW ULM
Nobody Expected Wellness, Usually Liquor (and) Music
Hermann the German stands watch.
NISSWA
Not Interesting September-Spring, Wonderful August
A town that exists for approximately six weekends a year.
OWATONNA
Our Walmart Anchors The Only Notable Neighborhood Area
The Cabela's people might argue it should be them instead.
PLYMOUTH
People Living Yearly Mortgaged Over Unreasonable Thousands for Houses
The houses are nice though. They'll tell you about the houses.
PRIOR LAKE
People Really Into Off-Road Leisure Activities, Kinda Expensive
Boats per capita numbers are doing something here.
RED WING
Really Excellent Downtown, Wish It Needed Growth
The shoes do the heavy lifting.
ROCHESTER
Rich Orthopedic Clinicians Have Essentially Settled This Entire Region
A city built around one very large clinic and the hotels people stay at while visiting that clinic.
ROSEVILLE
Rosedale Or Something, Everything's Virtually Identical, Lots (of) Lanes East
Ask someone about Roseville and they'll mention the mall. Ask again and they'll mention the mall again.
SAVAGE
Subdivision After Various Acres (of) Gone Ecosystem
Might be the meanest one here. The wetlands would agree if they were still around.
SHAKOPEE
Smells Heavily And Keeps Offering People Entertainment
The Valleyfair-to-Raging-Waters pipeline is real.
ST. CLOUD
So There's College, Lots Of Undergrads Downtown
A city that runs on Huskies hockey and Friday nights.
WOODBURY
We're Officially Out Of Distinguishing Boundaries, Unbelievably Residential, Yep
Woodbury is what happens when someone says 'what if we just kept building east.'